My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
