Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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