i think my tv is drunk
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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