If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I just blew my weed a kiss
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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