My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
