I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
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