dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
