i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
