Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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