If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
