his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
