Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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