Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
