it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
