Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
