i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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