my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
