im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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