I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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