woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
