apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
