I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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