So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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