he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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