i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
