wat bout pragnant strippers??
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
