I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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