I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
