you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
handjob tips. give me some.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
