the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
