I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
