Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
