I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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