My nipple is on Facebook.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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