Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
