I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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