I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
