i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
