im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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