I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
What drink are we having for lunch?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
