I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
