seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
