Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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