when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
