I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You have to summon your inner elephant
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
