I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
