Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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