I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize