He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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