worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
