Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
