I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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