if you like me you must not know who I am
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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