how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize