Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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