Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
