Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
