At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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