Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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