i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
