Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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