I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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