My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
