Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
