I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
